Roll out the red carpet because the Heatles just became the Heatragically Hips.
IS JADEN SMITH GAY LIL B FREE
You’re telling me a sane person would turn down a get out of jail free strigiformes pendant? I think not. The owl pendant can bring you diplomatic immunity, excusing you from any crime. You might question if the Raptors can afford to sign all of these players, but please never forget the OVO owl pendant is worth more than tangible money. No, this was all part of his larger plan: The Big Three are coming to Toronto this offseason.
When Drake was spotted partying with Miami after they won the championship last year, people thought he was betraying the great nation of Canada. “He’s from Toronto, why’s he at a Miami HEAT game?” they likely asked. Drake has been spotted numerous times at Miami HEAT games and people have questioned why. This seems improbable, but if you’re a zealous follower of our wisest sage, Jaden Smith, like I am, you know nothing is ever as it seems. Only then will the BasedGod’s curse be lifted only then will Kevin Durant be allowed to thrive. The only way for Kevin to rectify his Internet reputation is to sign with a team associated with God’s darkest angel, Aubrey Graham. KD would clearly be the favourite against Brandon in a game of one-on-one, so why won’t he play our based lord and saviour? We may never find the answer. Speaking of Lil B, self-titled “professional basketball player” Kevin Durant won’t even play Internet deity Lil B the BasedGod in a game of one-on-one? KD is a good foot and a half taller and likely more talented than Lil B at basketball. Lil B placed the BasedGod’s curse on KD in 2012 and he’s turned into the Guy Fieri of NBA players. On the other, KD’s Internet clout - which is more important than real life accomplishments - has plummeted nearing swagger-less levels. On one hand, he’s cemented his place as the second best player in the NBA and he’s on pace to win his first MVP, barring LeBron doing LeBron things. The 2013-14 season has been a weird period of time for Kevin Durant. Birdman is a perfect human being and once said, “Young Money, Cash Money we the champions,” which is the exact mentality the Raptors need. Steve Nash is Canadian and played basketball professionally, so that makes him perfectly qualified. Now that the Raptors have a new coach, they need assistant coaches: Steve Nash and Birdman. Not only is there already chemistry between the two, but Calipari is a damn good coach, with a 551-172 record overall. This may seem absurd - it’s fairly standard practice to not fire a relatively successful coach after they lead a team to the playoffs - but Aubrey doesn’t play by the same rules as the rest of the NBA.ĭrake has always been a fan of the Kentucky Wildcats the Kentucky Wildcats’ coach, John Calipari, has always been a fan of Drake. If the Raptors want to become championship contenders, they’ll have to do it by firing Dwane Casey and his staff. Dwane Casey has done a fantastic job at coaching this year however, there will always be someone that is better than you at your job or more loved by Drake. Thanks to the efforts of the Raptors’ front office - specifically Masai Ujiri, who is an actual sorcerer - the Raptors are poised for success in the playoffs. Now that the NBA regular season is coming to a end and organizations are plotting their offseason moves, there’s no better time than now to imagine who Drake could realistically bring to the Raptors this summer. He’s charismatic, marketable and influential enough to be a recruiting asset. This isn’t entirely Drake’s doing - the Raptors’ organization deserves their credit, mainly for getting rid of Rudy Gay - but Drake’s presence is apparent. They’re in the playoffs for the first time since the Chris Bosh era and the team is good enough to do some damage in an abhorrent Eastern conference. The Raptors are cool and relevant again, expanding their #brand outside of the confines of the Canadian border. So, when Drake partnered with the Toronto Raptors to start the 2013 season, it was a sign of good things to come. For someone like myself who doesn’t feel attached to the city I grew up in, it’s cool seeing someone genuinely care about their roots, fiercely loyal to their Houstalantavegastuckyronto upbringing. Everything he does comes with the intent of acquiring wealth - for himself and his crew - and putting on for his city, which are both major reasons so many people fuck with him. “All I care about is money and the city that I’m from,” has become a manifesto of sorts for how Drake lives his life. Through the wild ride that is Drake’s existence, one thing has remained constant: His love for Toronto.